I didn't shave. On purpose
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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