bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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