I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
