I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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