Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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