My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
