If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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