You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
