if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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