I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I supernannyed him into submission
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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