She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
