I puked a lego.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
