Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
