So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
