Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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