Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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