for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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