My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
