He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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