I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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