weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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