I'm passing your future prison.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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