I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
