my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you made out with another girl for some wings
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
