i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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