Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
