I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
