do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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