Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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