recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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