You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
