New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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