I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
