It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
