So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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