I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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