I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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