Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
