he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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