Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
