I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
