I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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