he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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