Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
