My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
