if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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