I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
