Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
