Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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