So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
