Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
