hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
