hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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