the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
