sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
