i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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