More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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