I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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