I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
