i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize