i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
