After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
and eventually we just all took our pants off
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
